"True Story Bro"

I find myself now, more often than not, discussing my epilepsy in comedic ways. It has been pointed out to me that I do use humor as a coping mechanism. Is this wrong? Epilepsy has caused me to go from an intelligent woman to a bumbling idiot who either replaces words with similar sounding words whose definition is completely wrong for the context, or forget them entirely. Then there are the days when I mash several words altogether into a new word. Then the days when "making words bad". My physical features have changed. My face is aging rapidly. One eye is drooping and I gain and lose weight due to the medication. I am self conscious about all of these things. My reaction? Point them out to others before they themselves have a chance to say something first. And make fun of myself. They get a good laugh, I appear to be ever confident....win/win? Hardly. Every time my epilepsy is brought up in public I am both ashamed and immediately exhausted. For having to tell my story one more time. To explain to them why I chose not to talk about what the doctor believes caused it. To explain that every single social situation I'm put in drains me of everything for having to maintain such a nonchalant ere about me. It's a fucking facade. I don't want to be talking to you nine times out of ten. I don't care that your child got honor roll, or that your husband and you went on a cruise. I can't go on a cruise. Go fuck yourself. Just like I don't care to talk about my personal life. Social norms are exhausting. Don't get me wrong...there are times...Once or twice a year...When I haven't had a seizure in a while, I'm rested and I feel healthy and happy and I will talk your head off. But chances are that me staying out until ten o'clock with you coupled with that one beer you "absolutely insist" on me having and the anxiety of not showing any kind of pain will cause me to have a seizure the next day.
Anyhow, my best friend basically pin-holed me into doing a new project. I was looking for a photography campaign to start. A collection of photos to stimulate the mind emotionally and logically. I began with a sort of "True Beauty" campaign, but Dove has already done this. So she asks, "What are you passionate about? What makes you angry? What do you love?" She also pointed out that I'm not exactly the "warm and fuzzy" type. I am the RAWR FUCK YOU type. So what do I get passionately angry about? "Bipolar?" "Yes," she said bobbing her head in a agreement yet there was a questioning tone in her answer. "What else?" Avoiding the subject altogether I answered "Domestic abuse...." She nodded again. "Well yes but you aren't currently in a domestically abusive relationship so,...." I knew what she wanted. And it was lurking just below the surface. She wanted me to come to the conclusion on my own and I was point blank refusing. Finally said it out loud. "Epilepsy." It blurted out of my mouth like a child having to admit why they're in trouble. Angry, blunt, and with a hint of condescension. "There you go!! I knew you'd get there" She exclaimed sarcastically. I didn't want to do this collection, and I knew why. Because photographing life with seizures forces me to stop using comedy and down right refusal to acknowledge to cover up my epilepsy, and focus inwardly on my ability to function. She spat out ideas for a few moments, and then we put the collection to rest for a bit. Until I noticed later that evening, that the mother fucker had created an epilepsy board on Pinterest. Oh my meme! I started browsing through Epilepsy Problems memes, and started laughing. Hysterically. And then nodding in agreement. I had always known that millions of people suffer from this, but never really knew anything but sob stories. "I just can't,..." and "The pain,..." and "How can I ever have a social life?" plagued my phone and desktop until I finally stopped reading. This was the first time I had ever noticed that there are others like me. Who can find comedy and humor in their disorder.

 

These people deal with their epilepsy the same way I do. Which then blew the first breathe of life into my project. Why can't it be funny,fun and touching at one time? Challenge accepted. I aim to create a photographic collection of life with epilepsy and add the funny to the terrifying and pitiful. Goal set. Game on. For future postings on this photographic endeavor and my thoughts and feelings on facing this head on, see my new blog, "True Story Bro. One woman's photographic guide to comedic Epilepsy"